Howdy readers! I hope this hot beginning of summer is treating you well and you are staying sunny & hydrated.
Today’s topic concerns one of the most loathed emotions: shame.
I often get across in sessions “But I cannot do that because I will feel ashamed”.
“Or, I cannot tell them that, because I will feel nervous. “
“I cannot tell someone I want an explanation because they will reject me. “
“I measure success by how much other people appreciate me - if I make a wrong choice, then I will feel ashamed.”
The thing with shame is that this is an “in-bred emotion”. I am not sure if the term is accurate but what I mean by it is that several emotions are basic instincts for us:
fear
anger
disgust
shame
The last one of these, shame, was especially important in the evolution of the human species as we know it.
It helped us survive the other hominid species and let us become the species to rule the world.
Shamed helped us cooperate.
Shame is all about being accepted and not rejected by others.
Shame helped us stay safe within the tribe and not starve alone in the wilderness.
So it makes perfect sense when you try to avoid shame. Evolutionarily it makes sense.
Even socially, it makes sense.
Shame can and sometimes is an adaptive emotion.
It pays to feel shame because this way we stay safe and don’t upset others. We get accepted & sometimes loved.
Did you ever notice a 2-year-old kid hiding behind his parent’s legs when you look at them? That’s shame - even though nobody told the kid that he might be judged (not at that age anyway).
This behavior appears around the age of 2 or 3 right after 1-year-olds start to create a self-image - they become aware that they are them and others are others.
However, let’s think about the consequences of avoiding shame in our society nowadays.
As we all need connection to survive, emotionally at least, we don’t need it in the sense that was true some thousand years ago.
These days, shame comes with a personal negative evaluation - I am a bad person - which when we get stuck leads to other issues - people pleasing, depression, anxiety, and so on.
Efforts to avoid shame are the problem.
Think about the situations where you wanted to avoid shame - you made a choice you thought would be approved by others.
You accepted something you didn’t want to just because you didn’t want to be rejected.
How was that for you? How did you feel?
Were you left with a satisfying state of mind? Or you were left with a bitter aftertaste?
Let’s look at alternatives:
Expand your emotions:
Instead of thinking about ways to avoid shame, take a moment to think about what else is there besides shame.
Bring to mind a situation where you want to ask for something.
For example: ask a question during a meeting at work. Or make a decision that is not well-seen by others.
What else apart from shame do you notice coming up?
Maybe curiosity? Maybe cooperation? Maybe support?
Next time you want to get rid of shame, remember that it’s there to teach you something about what’s important to you.
Look for values.
What is important to you? To not feel shame or to make a decision that you are proud of?
Or not feel shame or lean into curiosity?
To not feel shame or ask for what you need?
Because shame is a feeling and, like all feelings, it goes away at one point. That is not the goal of course, but just so you know, it won’t last forever.
Good luck and see you next time!