Anger management 1-0-1 * Part 1

Anger & the illusion of control

There are few emotions more daunting than anger. We feel it since we were toddlers, even though we didn’t know how to call it, and it still comes to most of us more often than we would like. 

This two-part substack will take you through the nuts & bolts of anger management - this week about anger and what it signals and the next about how to approach it. 

Some common ways to deal with anger:

Yell, curse, scream

Just shut down and simmer inside

Yell at someone else

Punch a pillow

No matter your preferred method of managing anger, I bet you have a hard time with it. 

Anger, just like any other emotion, is a sign pole for things in your context you should pay attention to. 

Anger usually signals that someone or something has overstepped a boundary. Or that I have suffered something that I think is unjust. 

For example, if you feel angry that someone yelled at you, it might be a good indicator that you value communication or respect from others. 

The thing is, most of us don’t look at anger that way. 

Anger, by nature, is an externally directed feeling - meaning that we tend to blame others for our feelings of anger. 

“I wouldn’t feel angry if they wouldn’t yell at me.”

“I wouldn’t feel angry if they would just listen to me.”

Thinking like this only makes anger worse. How?

Well, you found the culprit - if my partner would talk to me more respectfully I wouldn’t feel this.

If my child would pick up their clothes/ toys/ books off the floor then I wouldn’t have to yell at them. 

Ok, now what? Probably you are right to some extent, but we cannot control what other people do or feel. 

This mechanism where we feel anger and our mind focuses on finding the culprit is called the illusion of control.

I feel better, it makes me feel better, I know who is to blame for my condition. "If only that person would stop what they're doing, my life would be better."

It's just that things don't always work out that way.

It's called the illusion of control because actually, if I judge things this way, I'm leaving control of my emotional state and how I handle the situation to someone else. I'm no longer in charge, so I won't do anything about it.

And this is not good because the emotion will not go away and your relationships will not get better.

Next week, about how to approach anger. (Not about how NOT to feel it or become detached - that is both impossible & counterproductive).