Do we have a true self?

or is it just a ghost story?

Hello dear readers and welcome to Acertivo’s weekly substack. 

Today, I want to address a topic that is a centerpiece of discussions about the self:

What is my true self? Do I have a true self, and if so, how can I discover it? 

Paradoxically, this discussion starts when a client is telling me about a good thing that they did - an accomplishment or a success that they recently had. 

They feel good, and their minds are kind and even appreciative of them. Sometimes, they feel gratitude, joy, satisfaction, and, dare I say it, even some happiness. 

If you have ever experienced something like this, you know what I mean. Maybe you passed a difficult exam or got a promotion after completing a difficult project. Or your start-up is taking off, and people are buying and appreciating what you created. 

And then, if you are like most people, your mind starts to wonder:

“If I feel so good now, then how about that time when I failed?” or

“Oh, you feel good now, but this will go away. The other shoe will drop.”

“This will not last.”

Sounds familiar? 

Why is that happening? How can your mind tell you so many contradictory things in such a short amount of time?

The simple answer is that this is what our minds do. To all of us. 

The complex answer had to do with the way you were raised, and the stories & rules & beliefs that you hold about yourself and others. 

Briefly, your mind just wants to keep you on your toes. Most of the time. 

Then what? You may ask.

Well, have you ever been in love? Like a big crush on somebody where all of a sudden you felt more beautiful, smarter, sharper, in better shape. 

It was like things went better and more things sounded easier.

I hope you had the chance to feel that. It’s one of the most miraculous things out there. 

But did you change in any way? I bet not. 

Now think of a moment when you did something incredibly stupid. Or shameful. Or embarrassing. When you were so overflown with shame or sadness that you just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. 

Have you ever felt that? I hope you did. It’s such a human moment. 

But did you change in any way? Again, I’m betting no. 

So what’s your true self? The one when you have a crush or the one when you mess up. Or you don’t do enough? The one when you get great feedback, or the one when your start-up fails?

The answer is none of them. 

In my opinion, it’s quite unuseful to think about yourself or others in terms of your true selves. 

We have many selves. We are “selfing” all the time if you want. 

Our contexts change:

• How we slept / ate/hydrate/exercise

• How long has it been since you saw your friends and had a good laugh

• Menstrual cycle for women

• How are you living your values

• How are your skills

• Etc

These and many others are contexts. 

Just think about what would mean for you to think that your true self is incompetent and others will catch you on that any day now. (*hello Impostor syndrome). I bet that every time you get positive feedback, your mind will downplay it. 

It’s the same if you think that your true self is a competent one. I think it would be quite hard to receive feedback or do any growing. 

So, let go of the idea of a true self.

Let’s see how it would be to focus more on building skills, increasing your connection with others and yourself, and noticing that you are the same, no matter the context. Just the emotions, physical state, and context change. 

Take care!