Hello and welcome to another week in personal Development town! Where all your goals turn to life!
This week's topic is something that I often discuss with clients.
Do we do things because they make us feel better, or because there is a point for us in them?
One of the things that we focus on in therapy is not only the perspective taking on situations and developing emotional flexibility but also putting into practice such flexibility.
And one of the ways we do that is by behavioral goals.
Usually, clients schedule various activities to help develop and maintain a flexible mind & way of life. Some of them are assigned as homework to help generalize the information from sessions. Some are just chosen by people because they think they should do them.
For example: working out, reading, mindful moments, walks, meetings with friends, and so on.
What I usually get when we talk about that is:
“Ok, I went out and I exercise but I don’t feel better My negative thoughts are still there.
Oh, but I did meet those friends, but I don’t feel better - my anxiety was there. “
Ok, I ask - but is the reason you do it to feel better? Just that?
What else would it be? they ask. “
My point is that if you only schedule things in your day to feel better, without taking a moment to ponder why you are doing them, they will feel like a task.
They become a burden.
You will feel more inclined to give them up if you expect an instant result and it just doesn’t come.
I hope that if you struggle with anxiety or just burnout or fatigue, you don’t go out for a walk just to feel better, It probably doesn’t work.
I hope you do it because that is good for you.
I hope you eat well not because you want to lose weight, but because it makes you a healthier person.
I hope that you meet your friends not because you hope that they will make you happy, but because you value your friendship.
It’s not that we therapists don’t want you to feel better - of course we do. But that is not always the point.
Feeling better is an emotional goal and those are tricky because you cannot control what you feel.
Value-based goals are more what we are aiming for.
Going for walks because getting sunlight every day is good for you.
Eating well because that’s healthy.
Meeting friends or family because these relationships are important to me.
Get the difference? One is a zero-sum game - if I go out then I must feel better, otherwise, that is pointless.
The other is a continuous goal to pursue and where you can be flexible.
A thought for you:
Why do you do the things that you do? Do you stop and think about what is the direction behind your daily activities?
How many activities do you do just because you expect an instant effect and they just don’t come?
What do you do - continue or stop?
It is a burden or something that matters?