Does it feel fake when you want to do something new?
then you are doing it right!
Howdy readers! Welcome to another week where we explain in simple terms the challenges you have in your daily life.
Today’s topic is about how to do difficult or awkward things to practice for the first time.
You know, like:
Saying something nice to someone you have a complicated relationship with
Engaging in a new skill that you haven’t done before
Changing a bad habit or replacing it with a healthier one
Why did I choose this topic?
There are two main reasons that people shy away from or postpone the beginning behaviors that will help them have better lives.
The awkward feeling that we get when we do something for the first time
The expectation that we should do all once we start, or else it won’t matter.
A big part of therapy (or at least the one that I practice) is what we call “towards” moves - those are the moves we do if therapy works and which move us in the direction that is valuable to us.
Whether this means developing better relationships, getting healthier, or creating new habits, these are behaviors that usually help us lead a better life.
But this is usually hard, as our minds have several stories that start talking to us.
Let’s say you are so accustomed to working from home that you became a stranger to social interaction. What’s more, you find it hard to focus on conversations and find that some of them are boring.
However, you know that this is not something you want to continue doing You want to have more social relations.
But you feel awkward when talking to others. It’s like a bit fake. You are not used to this so you give up.
Your mind goes: “Well, it shouldn’t feel like this, this is too weird and I feel like a fraud.”
And you retreat, you think that socializing isn’t for you so you go back to your habits of not socializing.
You expect that if you want to do this, if this is important to you then it should be easy and feel natural.
Right?
Not right actually.
Just think about any skill you developed throughout your life. Whether it was a foreign language that you learned, driving, or a sport that you picked up.
How was practicing the foreign language at first? Did it come naturally? Was it a perfect fit? Were you completely carefree when talking it?
If the answer to these questions is yes, please write and tell me how you did it.
But my money is on “Hell, no! It was awkward as F$#k and it felt weird and fake.”
That’s how it should feel when you start your “towards” moves. It feels weird like you have no idea what you are doing and you just want it to stop feeling like that.
That’s why your mind just tells you to give up and try again when you have it ALL figured out (like that’s gonna happen).
At the same time, you are moving towards what matters - creating a relationship, building a skill, and becoming healthier and stronger.
It doesn’t have to feel good to count as steps towards what matters. And it sure won’t mean that one step in that direction takes you there.
So next time you think about starting something new and notice your mind lecturing you on how this is supposed to be easy and natural, be kind and remember that some “fake-ness” never killed anybody and it is a sure sign that you are doing what matters.