How can I not mess up my kid?
about kindness
Hello and welcome to the special Children’s Day edition (June 1st in Romania) of Acertivo’s substack. We’re going to tackle an important issue I hear so often with my mom group: “How can I not mess up my kids?” and the subtext question: “Are we parents so awful and always to blame for our kids’ latter emotional problems?”
Well, as you can imagine, the answer is neither simple nor straightforward.
I think that if you are asking this question, then obviously you are preoccupied with this and you have some awareness of good intentions about your children.
And I want to make this point straightforward: fortunately, there are few parents who do not want the well-being of their children. So most of our actions are made in good faith.
There are two points that I would address here:
The abundance of information about parenting is great, but it also has an important downfall - it creates the illusion that we should be perfect as parents, that we should apply everything we read and things should be ok. We are exposed to reels and images of parents that kinda do it all and then the “holy comparison” appears and we are filled with guilt, frustration and anger.
You cannot f&*ck up your kid unless you really intend and work for it. If you are reading this, then you are interested in personal development and most likely you will apply that to your kid as well.
Parents are not solely responsible for children’s emotional problems, but they are important influencers.
Think about this: you have a tabula rasa kid. And your job is to teach them everything about themselves, the world, relationships & so on. It’s an awful lot. You do your best, but you come with your own rules and beliefs about the world & so on. So what you will transmit will have a great influence on how they develop.
Their relationship with you will moderate how they will create relationships in the future.
So here’s a quick guide that I recommend to stay on top of parenting:
Choose your sources wisely - if your sources tend to be black-or-white kind of information - “this is ok, this is awful” - then run. There are a lot of greys in parenting, and people who write that most certainly have very unrealistic expectations of themselves.
Do some emotional education yourself. If you can name and understand your emotions in relation to your kid, then you are one step closer to a better relationship.
The magic happens in the good moments, not in the ones that you yell. Most parents I talk to criticize themselves for the moments when they yell and are disconnected from their children. So much, so that they have no more energy to create and recognize the good moments. So treat it as a continuum. Good and bad moments. They all count. It’s not a race of how many good you have.
Be kind to yourself - and others, but that can only happen when you are practicing kindness to yourself.
I cannot stress this enough, Parenting is hard - you know those people who think they are good parents? Well, they don’t have children yet. Kindness means acknowledging that you are a human, who has good and bad moments and that does their best.
Attachment is a phenomenon that is continuous. I often get asked if you can repair the attachment after periods of disconnection - the answer is yes. You just don’t give up and don’t give up on yourself.
You don’t have to enjoy every moment with your kids. And you don’t have to be good at everything, You don’t like play, well then, don’t do it all the time. It’s fine. Find those activities that you like doing and focus on them.
I really hope you enjoy your children, and your parenting moments and you can acknowledge that sometimes you won’t enjoy them and that is ok also.