Managing expectations - Work your thoughts tool
expectations are thoughts
Rigid expectations are about thoughts. In fact, they are thoughts.
How we think & the stories that we tell ourselves leads to how we feel and behave.
Most of us have a stream of negative thinking. Especially when it comes to others.
So one of the most important skills to develop is managing your thoughts. This does not mean NOT having them, instead, your aim is to develop flexibility.
Your aim is to make these thoughts more flexible.
Here’s how. Let’s suppose you are new in a team and notice that you are not always on board with everybody. Let’s say that the thought below appears.
Unhelpful thought: Others must always behave/react the way that I think is normal
Now, if you were to give in to that thought, that would probably lead to some anger, frustration & so on.
So let’s see how we can make this thought more flexible.
Helpful thought: People will behave/ react according to their own style of thinking, their values, and even their moods. Sometimes they will react the way I think, and sometimes not. There is no rule that says that all people must always behave a certain way, just like I don’t know that my way of behaving is the right one.
Notice that we did not debate the thought, fight with the thought, or deny the thought. Nor did we “focus on the positive”.
Let’s see another example.
Suppose you are arguing with your partner. And that they start yelling. Yelling is not ok for you. So you think something like this:
Unhelpful thought: People should always treat me with respect and kindness, the way that I am treating them. If not, then I cannot stand this and I will end the relationship.
Helpful thought: I cannot make people treat me with respect and kindness. I can do everything in my power, but their behavior is within their power and responsibility. It may be disappointing to be treated with disrespect, but I can surely stand this even if it is difficult.
So there you have it. Here is how to manage your thoughts and make them more flexible.
Now you try and think about your thoughts when having rigid expectations and formulate more flexible helpful thinking patterns.
Feel free to use these prompts, or insert here your own rigid expectations from others.
Unhelpful thought: If I tried to do something nice for somebody, then he or she should appreciate it.
Helpful thought:
Unhelpful thought: Others must always behave in a correct and fair manner.
Helpful thought:
Unhelpful thought: People close to me should always be available to talk to me when I have a problem.
Helpful thought:
How did it go?
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