The cult of self-love

Should we or shoudn't we love thyself?

Hello again fellow readers & personal development enthusiasts! Hopefully, you are now kinder with mental health professionals when revealing that they too have emotional dilemmas or struggles. 

Today’s topic is important, especially amid so much information on mental health: the cult of self-love. Is self-love the holy grail of emotional balance? If not, then how should we feel towards ourselves?

I know that the topic is so much discussed and it borders a bit on the topic of self-esteem that we covered previously, but I believe that this has a smoother touch

I hear so many people frustrated and angry at themselves for failing to love themselves and hold themselves in high regard. 

What do people mean when they say self-love? 

It is usually a mixture of self-esteem (the opinion we have about ourselves) and the belief that we deserve things and are good and kind humans. 

What's the problem with the cult of self-love? 

I might be biased (using the work cult) but love is a feeling and a feeling/ emotion cannot be felt all the time. 

It’s an inflexible way of looking at yourself. 

Love either is or isn’t. There is no in-between.

I dare you to challenge me on this, but I don’t think that you love your partner ALL THE TIME. Sometimes you feel the love, sometimes you feel the anger, sometimes you feel both. 

Sometimes you love your child to death, and sometimes you need a break and want nothing more than some alone time. 

Of course, along with love, we feel a lot of other emotions toward our dear ones: curiosity, frustration, disappointment, compassion, gratitude, guilt, shame, and the list can go on. 

Why couldn’t you allow yourself to feel the same range of emotions towards yourself as well?

And why should feeling negative emotions towards yourself or others be a negative thing? 

I often get asked if it’s normal to feel this or that.  

My answer always is that - if you feel it, then it’s normal.

Maybe it’s not helpful, but that’s another story altogether. 

So, what should you feel if not self-love?

Carl Rogers, one of the founding fathers of psychotherapy as we know it now, coined the term “Unconditional positive regard” to describe the acceptance and support that we show a person. 

He was referring to the client-therapist relationship, but it stands when one thinks about themselves as well. 

The difference between unconditional positive regard and self-love is that the first is a process, whereas the latter is a fixed state. 

We are not in fixed states. We feel, and think stuff all the time. 

When you are fixed on self-love, then your image when feeling the uncomfortable feeling will be affected. 

When using unconditional positive regard - you are in a process where you accept and support yourself - in whichever mood, thought, or feeling you might be in that moment. 

Next week we will learn about some skills you can approach when building an unconditional positive regard.