The negative emotion conundrum
why negative emotions are not useless
Hello all! Today’s topic is inspired by a talk I keep having over and over again: the struggle with negative emotions.
“Guilt is the most useless feeling.”
“When I feel angry I need to calm myself.”
“When I feel anxiety, I just need to breathe and relax.”
It’s all good until these don’t work anymore.
Picture this: you feel guilt. You try to rid yourself of it. It doesn’t actually work, now you feel sad that you cannot get rid of the guilt.
Then you are angry at yourself that you keep doing this. And maybe, along the way, you start feeling anxiety that this circle will never stop. And in the end you are exhausted and frustrated.
Damn, these emotions! Why can’t I just be calm/ detached/ wise… you name it.
Sounds familiar? It does to me - and to so many people I know, talk to, and work with.
The thing is, emotions are sign poles. This is not a new idea - there are plenty of books written on this.
Think of emotions as ways for your mind to alert you about stuff you need to pay attention to.
Emotions are not different from thoughts - as a matter of fact, they are a combination of thought, feeling, context, and experience - all in one.
The way your brain creates an emotion is by comparing a current situation with a past experience and creating the best possible answer to that situation.
For example: say that you feel a tingle in your stomach.
You are currently in an exam room, preparing to start.
Your mind scans the context - an exam.
Then searches for past experiences with exams - they are quite stressful. Then creates the appropriate reaction to that situation - let’s say it’s anxiety. Your pulse rises, your pupils dilate, and your muscles are tenser - just a bit to mobilize you to pay attention.
So let’s get the gist of the emotions I just mentioned before:
Guilt - it usually signals that you are doing something that is outside your values, something wrong.
It’s not a useless feeling, on the contrary - it’s one of the most important ones. Imagine if you didn’t feel guilt when yelling at your kid - how would your relationship be? How would you be able to do things better?
Anger - usually signals that your boundaries have been crossed - that you have been treated unfairly.
You don’t need to calm your anger - just understand why it’s there. Just think about what are the boundaries that have been crossed. How do you want to respond?
Anxiety - usually signals that something important is outside your control.
Sometimes it’s about your performance - hence the performance anxiety. Sometimes it’s about your image - hence social anxiety and so on.
Also, there is a big difference between anxiety as an emotion and an anxiety disorder. (more on that in future substacks).
That’s all for now.
Questions for you:
What do you usually do with a negative emotion, such as guilt?
What is one idea from this substack that you want to use this week?