Have you ever been in a situation where you were disappointed by others?
Or have you ever told yourself that you shouldn’t have expectations from others because it is pointless? Well, then this substack is surely for you.
We often hear the phrase “you shouldn’t have expectations from others.” or “people will let you down”.
And most of us have experienced what it feels like to be let down in a relationship, either a personal or a professional one.
So is it good to have expectations?
Or just let go of them and put the negative first?
*which is also an expectation
We should make a difference between rigid & flexible expectations.
Rigid expectations are expressed by phrases such as ‘others must’; ‘people should always’, ‘I think it is normal for people to..’.
Basically, every time you believe that people should always behave in a certain way, and you get angry or extremely frustrated, your expectations are most probably rigid.
Flexible expectations are present when you do have expectations from others, but you are also aware that people can sometimes behave differently from how you would want them to, and you are prepared to adapt, discuss and reach a common ground.
So what are rigid expectations?
We all have expectations from others. We couldn’t live in a well-balanced society if we didn’t. Flexible and common-sense expectations are perfectly normal.
For example, I expect that if I give 5 lei at the shop, I will get bread. If that didn’t happen, then it would probably be extremely difficult to get on with our lives.
However, sometimes people create stories in their heads about how others should behave, act and react. And because people are very keen on rules and predictability, we expect that everybody should behave according to those rules.
Rigid expectations are held in our mind with words such as:
must; should; always; never.
Think about a black and white situation - about another person.
‘People should always treat me fairly’
‘Close people should always show me affection and availability’
‘I do something nice for somebody, then they should do the same’
‘My kids should always do as I say.’
You get the idea. These are rigid expectations.
So, I should give up standards altogether?
Not really. While it is perfectly ok to hold yourself to high standards, you shouldn’t expect to reach them all the time.
The same with expectations from others. It is perfectly ok to have high standards from your team, your friends, your partner, your children, your company.
But is it rational to expect people to reach those standards all the time? Of course not! Nobody does that all the time.
So have high standards, just hold them lightly.
Next time, about how to recognize your own interaction style so that you become more aware of those rigid expectations.