Tool 7/10 Self-Compassion for cynicals
How to be less of an asshole to yourself
Picture this: you come home after a busy day and your house is full of Legos and your couch full of crumbs. Your child has no intention of picking anything up and you lose it and yell at them.
You feel guilty afterward - realizing that they too had had a bad day at kindergarten being rejected by friends and tired after practice.
You think that it’s your fault for not setting boundaries and being more mindful. You criticize yourself and think that you are a bad mom.
(*this is a totally made-up story, ofc)
If you are like most people, you grew up with the idea that if you did something wrong, like a bad grade or a naughty deed, you were reprimanded, criticized, or punished. No wonder that for most of us, this is the main go-to strategy when we err or don’t live up to our expectations.
I used to think that self-compassion means letting yourself go off the hook and sugar-coating your mistakes as a way to not lose face. I would berate myself whenever I didn’t perform or behave the way that I thought I was supposed to.
Sometimes in very subtle ways:
Eat more - then exercise more, at the expense of leisure
Get a compliment - don’t say thank you - say something that makes you smaller
Get sick before a presentation - don’t cancel it - you made a promise, go and do the best you can even if you puke at the break.
You may think that these are all right strategies to keep yourself on your toes (sometimes they can be) - but in reality, they foster self-criticism, shame, anxiety, and ultimately depression.
I used to tell myself - “I like hard, things should be hard to be worthwhile.”
Self-compassion, contrary to popular belief, does not mean thinking you are awesome and magnificent, nor does it mean letting yourself off the hook.
It just means being less of an asshole to yourself.
It was proven to boost performance, improve self-confidence and help you achieve more (Yes, shocker!)
For this tool, think about a situation where you acted shitty towards yourself and go through these 3 tips:
Notice: Describe your situation, what you are feeling, and what you are thinking. To the best of your ability. This helps you become aware of what’s going on and prevents you from going down the rabbit hole in self-criticism.
Ex. I’m feeling ashamed that I yelled at my daughter. I had a rough day, lots of meetings and I am hungry & tired and she keeps saying “no” to everything. (*this too is a totally made-up story, ofc)
Expand: this is the part where you remind yourself that this is not just your situation, it’s something that millions of people/ mothers/fathers experience every day. You are not the only one feeling like this or behaving like this. You are not alone. It’s not an excuse. It’s like a “yeller’s anonymous.” It happens to everybody and nobody likes it.
Ex. I am not alone. There are millions of mothers across the world who yell at their children and nobody liked it. It does not make me a bad person.
Be kind: this is the part where you tell yourself something kind -
Use these questions to help you:
“What would you tell your child if they were telling you about how bad they are because they did something bad? Would you criticize them?”
“How would you treat a friend?”
Think about the most supportive friend or family member that you have - what would they tell you in this situation?
That’s all for now. See you next week!