Tool 9/10 - Saying 'no'
How to refuse like an emotionally agile person
You know those moments when you have so much to do but people keep constantly interrupting you?
Or when your work phone rings while you are on holiday, but you feel like you have to answer?
What’s it like for you to experience this? I bet it’s far from great.
You can easily recognize the moments when you need some boundaries setting if you find yourself:
Always lost in the little stuff & you feel that I need to do them all
Going to sleep late, even though you’ll be tired the next day and you know it
Say “yes” to all sorts of interesting projects, just to find out that you dread doing them (and then feel guilty that you don’t do them)
I answer the phone even when I don’t want to and waste time on small talk.
If you checked at least one of these, then this is a tool for you.
Today’s piece is about setting boundaries. This is a wide topic and we will only cover the basic structure of how to formulate your message.
Setting boundaries is NOT about keeping people away. It’s about setting a safe space for you & your needs
Setting boundaries is not only for work-related issues. It can also be with your family, your children, and even with yourself.
The structure is this:
State the behavior that annoys you and why that is a disturbance to you - not the label that you assign, but the plain behavior.
Ex.: When you keep interrupting me, it makes me think that you are not listening to me
DO NOT say: When you are being an asshole.
State what you would like the person to do:
Ex.: If you could wait until I finish what I have to say
DO NO say: Stop interrupting me
Say why it is important to you to set that boundary and the consequences if it’s not respected:
Ex.: So we can each express our ideas. If we can’t right now, then let’s have a break and circle back.
DO NOT say: because otherwise we are done.
Sure, you may be tempted to snap and use the snappy part of your language. At the same time, just connect with what is important to you - setting boundaries is not about keeping people away, it’s about creating a safe space for yourself.
‘Till next time when we do a quit sum up of the BurnOut Minute tools.