Why are we bad at setting boundaries?

Setting boundaries - expectation versus reality

Here’s a quick disclaimer - it is not by accident that I created this setting boundaries series. I am going through a rough exhaustion phase that makes me sleep a lot, get irritated quickly, and ponder my sense of meaning. So maybe this is also for me. As much as I would like this to be fictional, some stories might be real. :)

So, I invite you to read this with openness & curiosity and most of all with compassion towards yourself. 

Picture this: you are working in a company in a position that you love. You are highly regarded at work, clients want to work with you, colleagues want to be on your team.

But you are also tired. Although you take time off, the workload does not seem to end or wither. You say that it’s too much for your boss and they are understanding. However, you notice that your workload still doesn’t end. 

Or picture this. You are a freelancer. You work from home and your kid is on vacation. They are at home all day expecting to be entertained. They prefer you for playing, so you postpone your work.

You get frustrated and tired and behind on work. You think that you could say to your kid that they need to play alone, but you also believe that your kid deserves your attention. 

Is anything familiar there?

This substack is about the reality of setting boundaries.

Most people think it’s about keeping others out of your business so that you can go on. Or it’s about convincing people to do that or the other. 

Or it’s about feeling that it should be easy to set a boundary. 

Here’s the thing - setting boundaries is misunderstood. 

It’s not about others. It’s not supposed to be easy.  

It’s all about you. 

“Oh Irina, but I am doing my best and I tell people that I cannot do that or the other thing. They just don’t get it.” I know, I know. I know you are doing your best. 

I don’t want to mean that you are the issue. What I mean is that you cannot control other people and their requests to you. 

Boundaries are not about keeping others away or about convincing others. It’s about creating a safe space for yourself & your needs.

So, let’s first move through some stories* that usually appear in one’s mind when pondering to set boundaries. These are usually very well meant. After all, we mean well. 

But in reality how many times have these thoughts helped you?

*when I say stories I mean the rules, beliefs, and thoughts that appear in one’s mind. 

Let’s see how many of these thoughts seem familiar to you:

The “taking responsibility for other’s emotions” story

“Oh, but I have a responsibility towards my team - I cannot let them down.”

The “scarcity effect on deadlines” story

“Oh, but that deadline is approaching! “

The classic “comparison” story

“Oh, but other people are capable of doing x, y z. Why I am not capable?”

The “my quality defines me” story

“Oh, but I must be responsible. I am a responsible person after all. “

The “emotional blackmail” story

“Oh, but I have to be a good parent to my child. I cannot let them get bored or annoyed.” 

How many of them seem familiar? Can you recognize some stories that are unique to you?

I invite you to look with openness & curiosity at the situations when you found it hard to set boundaries and see what stories pop up for you. 

The next substacks will focus on how to recognize these stories, and how to manage your expectations from others.