Hello again! Welcome to Acertivo’s substack - the self-criticism edition!
We've all been there:
I realize I was wrong.
I forgot to add something in the email I just sent.
I cut something on the kitchen counter and it scratched.
I'm not ready for a date on time.
I get angry and yell at my child.
I eat another cake even though I'm on a diet.
And I didn't wake up to go for a run. Again.
Why do we criticize ourselves so much?
Immediately that voice appears in my mind that judges me and evaluates me negatively:
"You’re such an idiot! What a bad parent! You have no will at all!"
All of these thoughts occur in the minds of many people and are responsible for feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, and shame.
What causes self-criticism?
Well, in short - you mind. It’s not trying to be an asshole, it’s just how it’s made.
Self-criticism has two very common ways of thinking behind it: personalization/labeling and muss & shouldst.
Personalization is the tendency to put a label on myself when I do something wrong:
I yelled - so I'm not a good mother, because a good mother would never yell at her child.
Musts & shoulds usually refer to mental rules that I have and by which I see or interpret events in my life:
I should always be prepared in meetings because otherwise, it means that I am not capable. A capable man who likes his job (like me) should not come unprepared.
Why is it so easy for us to see things that are not going well?
There are two explanations:
Negativity bias: our mind has a default filter through which it mainly sees negative information.
This helps us quickly correct what goes wrong and intervene more quickly. At the same time, this negativity bias limits me and makes me see those negative aspects more often.
Our life experiences: if I have been criticized in the past for mistakes, for poor results, or simply because I was not "right" then I internalize this thought and turn it into a rule.
Our minds are so very eager to find a quick rule to manage your life. If one of them is to use negative self-talk to make you do stuff - then so be it.
How can I tell I'm self-critical?
Seems like a no-brainer question- but you wouldn’t believe how many people are just so used to treating themselves like this that they don’t realize it anymore.
We all have negative thoughts about ourselves. Some are newer, some older. When asked what they don't like about themselves, most people will have a very long list to say.
I often "ruminate" my negative thoughts - I keep thinking about what I did wrong over and over with no acyual resolution to it. The promise of rumination is usually the undestanding part - if I coukd kbnow why I do it then maybe I wouldn’t do it again, right? Nope.
I compare myself to others in a way that I never come out ahead. The old comparison story is always a go to method for your mind when criticizing you. It’s easy, cheap and always available.
I'm afraid to make decisions, either because I don't want to make mistakes or because I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision and then regret it.
I feel powerless: I don't think I can change anything and that keeps me stuck. So I am indecvisive, I ponder on my bad decisions and so on.
I don’t set any boundaries - because I don’t think that I can.
The next substack will be about self-esteem - what is it? Does it help me? How do I go about my self - criticism?