[Re-post] What to do when you feel bad?
Do you want it dirty or clean?
Howdy readers! I really do hope you are enjoying the increasing heat and the summer that is finally here.
Today’s topic is one of my favorites: what do you do when you are flooded with negative thoughts & emotions?
When do you regulate, and when do you avoid?
You cannot imagine how often I hear:
I don’t want to feel like this!
Why do I need to feel like this?
Can’t this just go away?
And my favorite:
If I like an activity why do I feel bad
(insert here: boredom, guilt, anxiety, discomfort)when I start doing it?
There’s still an expectation of most people that when they are doing something meaningful or going through something difficult they shouldn’t feel bad.
Maybe it’s supposed to be easy.
But the reality is almost never like this.
In real life, when you try to change something in your life, such as:
Eating more healthy
Exercising more
Managing difficult situations that you know are good for you
Although you know that these are good for you, discomfort starts to creep in:
It’s too hard
I have no willpower
I have to get rid of this negative feeling, though in order to keep going and be successful.
Does this sound familiar? If yes, then you are not alone.
The solution to that is a notion that we call dirty pain versus clean pain.
Let me explain:
Dirty pain is the pain that you are feeling when you try to get rid of negative emotions, thoughts, memories & so on.
Imagine you are in a tug-of-war type of game - where you are on one side and the emotional discomfort is on the other side. And you fight and fight with all your force to try to drown the motherf%$#ker.
And that takes time. And a lot of effort. And in the meantime, you have no more energy or resources to do what you actually want to do.
And then there’s clean pain - that is the discomfort that you are feeling when you are doing something important for yourself - starting a plan to exercise more, getting in the habit of waking up early, developing emotional regulation skills, and so on.
So in the same example, imagine that you are in the same tug-of-war, just this time you let go of the rope. The discomfort is there, the thoughts are still there, and you can see them watching you, but your hands and your resources are free for you to do what is important.
We can feel both discomfort and enthusiasm when doing something important.
In some instances there’s more of the discomfort, other times there’s more of the enthusiasm. And that’s ok.
I leave you with this question: what would you rather get:
The struggle with the emotional discomfort? The end of all suffering? Not possible, see the substack about the role of emotions.
The freedom to do what is important, even with some discomfort?
‘Till next time, please be kind and lean into the clean pain.